Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
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So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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