I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
