everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
