i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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