He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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