We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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