Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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