we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
