My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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