Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
