he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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