I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?