How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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