woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
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My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home