In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week