Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
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I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
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I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.