"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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