I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
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I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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