Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
