I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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