I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
