You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
