Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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