My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
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Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
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I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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