My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
