I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
