This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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