you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
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She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
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I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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