my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
