Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
