We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
