turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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