.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
