I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
