Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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