Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
