the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
