you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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