I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
