Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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