On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
