oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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