a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Let's paint friendship bongs
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
