Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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