your parents love me but you hate me
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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