Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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