The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
