my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
