Umm I'm too high to move.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
