I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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