i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
