It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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