Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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