We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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