Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
