so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Even my vagina gasped.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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