Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
My legs feel like baby dolphins
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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