Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Randomize
