my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
