And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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