We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
