Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
