If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
